Want to Get Ahead? Get Comfortable with Confrontation
July 15, 2019
One of my clients called me, breathless, the other day, to ask for my advice about something that had taken place at a meeting the day before.
An outspoken member of her executive team had blown up. After a particularly heated exchange with the company’s founder about the direction of this growing startup, the executive declared that he was quitting. This might have been problematic had it not already become clear that said executive was not bringing enough value, and was in fact becoming a destructive force.
To my mind, there was no problem. An executive who needed to go had resigned. Sounded like great news.
But my client was so caught up in the drama of the whole scene that she couldn’t think straight. She was concerned about the founder and her reaction to the outburst, about the barbs that the departing executive had levied on his way out the door, on how this might affect the dynamic of the group.
The whole scene had set her alight with worry and concern. Her anxiety about confrontation had taken over, and it was sucking her energy and time and seriously compromising her focus as a leader.
Plenty of women I have worked with have admitted their discomfort with confrontation, and my sense is that this comes in part from women’s natural tendency toward empathy. We are drawn into the energy of a situation, and are inclined to want to make everyone feel comfortable. This is a very good thing, by the way. Thank goodness for women. That said, this sort of disposition isn’t useful when you’re running an organization that will inevitably face bumps in the road—and where you want there to be healthy disagreement and tension in order to bring the best ideas to life. Sometimes that disagreement and tension gets ugly, or aggressive. That’s just how it is.
What I suggested to my client was that if this were to happen again, she should allow the disgruntled executive to leave the premises, and then calmly refocus the remaining individuals: “Well, that wasn’t pretty, but this departure is actually a good development for the organization, so let’s regroup and move forward.”
The lesson here? In the midst of highly emotional, surprising, or uncomfortable situations, quiet yourself and focus on what is actually happening (e.g., a problematic team member has just quit) as opposed to the drama (e.g., an angry team member is questioning the competence and vision of the founder and whipping up a frenzy).
In the midst of confrontation, stay focused on what matters and let the rest fall away. You’ll be amazed by how smoothly you are able to handle the moment with this mindset.