The Three Keys to Winning the Power Game: Part 2
In my last post, I talked about the first rule of the Male Power Game, which is that the game is played in the moment. The impression we make upon first meeting someone (and in all of the “small” moments) sticks. And that’s why Rule 2: Always face down challenges right away is so important.
In the male power game, people are tested. Women, especially, are tested. Are you weak? Are you strong? Will you be a competitor?
And so if you are to be taken seriously, you have to step up when you are being tested to show that you are someone to be reckoned with. This doesn’t require being aggressive in any way. Rather, it requires you to be clear and unequivocal about what you will tolerate and what you will not. Here’s an example:
You are interrupted in a meeting
Option 1: You sit back and let it go by. If this happens repeatedly, the interrupter will only do it more, and may start challenging you in even more public ways. And then it will snowball. You will find yourself talked over and dismissed by others who have witnessed this behavior, putting you in a rut that is tough to climb out of (not impossible, but tough).
Option 2: Every time you are interrupted you say,“ (Name of interrupter) let me finish,” and keep talking without missing a beat. You retain your authority and let the would-be-interrupter (and everyone watching) know that you will not be pushed aside.
This may seem like an inconsequential moment, but it’s actually huge, because it’s a test. When you address challenges in the moment, you build your credibility. When you don’t, you risk losing it.
Think about any woman you admire who has achieved success in a male-dominated profession, and most likely she will have a story about a time that she had to quash some bad behavior on the spot. Here are some examples:
As an undergraduate at Cornell in the 1950’s, the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg asked her (male) professor for some help preparing for a Chemistry exam. He gave her a practice exam which turned out to be the exam itself, and, as Ginsburg said, “I knew exactly what he wanted in return.” What is a female college student in the 1950’s to do? She walked right into his office and said, “How dare you!,” and in her words, “That was the end of that.”
In her memoir, Settle for More, Megyn Kelly talks about her first job as a junior associate in a law firm. She was the only female junior associate and the only female in the entire firm. When she realized that a senior partner was singling her out to make copies and complete other small task for him, she confronted him, telling him calmly that she would not do these tasks anymore because they weren’t an appropriate use of her time. The senior partner blew his top, but the founding partner had Kelly’s back. The senior partner never asked her to do those types of tasks again, and Kelly earned some “street cred” for confronting the famously tough guy.
In her memoir, Going There, Katie Couric tells of an incident of sexual harassment by a more senior colleague in one of her first jobs. In her confusion and dismay, she went to some colleagues for advice, and they encouraged her to formally confront him. She wrote him a letter and made it clear that his behavior was highly inappropriate and she would not tolerate it. He apologized and his behavior changed.
Responding to these incidents right away bolstered each woman’s credibility with their superiors and with others in their organizations. If they had not addressed the behavior, the opposite would have happened. The would-be abusers would have continued their inappropriate behavior with impunity, and their disregard for these women would have grown, making it hard for them to advance.
This is why, whether a challenging moment seems small or large, you must address it right away. You simply can’t succeed in a male-dominated environment unless you establish yourself as someone who will be taken seriously. (And that’s true for the men, too.)
Remember: There is only one person with the power to make sure you are respected as a contributor and given the platform you deserve—and that is you.
So try this:
Commit to not letting people interrupt you in meetings anymore.
Notice those moments in which “something doesn’t feel right” and focus on what it happening. Is someone trying to diminish you? Are they testing you? Respond if you can. If you can’t think of something to say in the moment, reflect afterward about what a clear, dispassionate response might be.
Challenge yourself to address these moments going forward.
If you need some support, join me at Lead Like a Woman II: Mastering the Male Power Game on February 24, where we will practice, practice, practice handling such moments—in a fun and encouraging environment. Register here.
In my next post, I’ll address the final rule, Rule #3: Don’t stick around waiting for people to change.